Trying to Be Perfect Can Cause Anxiety

Here is a concept I present in therapy that a lot of people (and I mean a lot of people) have a difficult time wrapping their head around….You don’t need to be perfect. Instead of striving to be perfect, try to be just good enough.  

Most people would consider having high standards a good thing. Striving for excellence can show that you have a good work ethic and strength of character. High standards can also push you to reach your peak level of performance. For example, athletes often train long and hard to reach excellence in their sports.

Sometimes to much of a good thing can be a negative.  Perfectionism, on the other hand, involves a tendency to set standards that are so high that they either cannot be met, or are only met with great difficulty. 

Perfectionism may be a strong suit or a stumbling block, depending on how it's channeled, as clinical psychologist Jeff Szymanski explains.  Dr. Szymanski is an associate instructor of psychology at Harvard Medical School and executive director of the International OCD Foundation.  "The core of all perfectionism is the intention to do something well," says Dr. Szymanski.  "If you can keep your eye on intention and desired outcome, adjusting your strategy when needed, you're fine.... But when you can't tolerate making a mistake, when your strategy is to make no mistakes, that's when perfectionism starts veering off in the wrong direction."  

In its most severe form, perfectionism can leave you unable to complete any task for fear of making a mistake.  Perfectionists tend to believe that anything short of flawless is horrible, and that even minor imperfections will lead to catastrophe.  No one is “perfect,” yet many people carry on a fruitless struggle to be, which can trigger a cascade of anxieties.  

Sometimes the struggle for perfectionism collides head on with the reality of the difficulty, which creates an internal ambiguity within clients that an outward expression of anger results in conflict within my client and often within their relationships.  So, basically, trying to be perfect actually creates many more problems then it solves.

I often use the following exercise in session with perfectionists to help them prioritize, as well as gain a perspective on the important things in their lives.   Also, the use of this and other exercises can help keep the nasty perfectionism, and hence, anxieties, at bay.

In session, I ask clients what they find valuable in life?  What would you want 50 years of your life to represent?  If that seems overwhelming, think about where you want to put your energies for the next five years.  

Think about your current goals and projects, and assign them priorities. Use the letters "ABCF" to help you decide where you want to excel (A), be above average (B), or be average (C), and what you can let go of (F). For example:

• A (100% effort): This is reserved for what's most important to you.  For example, if your career is most valuable, your goals might be to impress the boss, make sure clients are happy, put out good products at work.

• B (above average, maybe 80% effort): Perhaps you like playing golf or tennis or want to learn a new language.  You enjoy these activities, but have no plans to go pro.

• C (average effort): Perhaps having a clean home is important, too. But how often does your home need to be cleaned?  People aren't coming to see it every day.  Could you just clean up on the weekends?  Or focus on a few rooms that get the most traffic?

• F (no effort): Time-consumers that don't advance your values or bring you pleasure — for example, lining up all your hangers or folding all your clothes in a specific way.  Do you have any tasks that, upon reflection, don't really matter — you've just done them one way for so long that you're on autopilot?  These deserve to be pruned.

To learn more about managing perfectionist thinking, anxiety, including the difference between what's normal and should be considered serious, as well as ways to treat anxiety, please feel free to call, email or schedule an appointment with Greg Tvrdik, MS, LIMHP, CPC at (402) 932-2296.